Manchester United
Football Jokes
From The fans

Here we include Manchester United football jokes and articles sent in by the fans or the webmaster. Many are extracted from the webmasters weblog

Religious Fervour About Resurrection Weblog Monday November 17th 2003 [Webmaster comments & rants about Manchester United or anything else]

Dangers of Smoking at Old Trafford This is what can happen if you allow smoking at football grounds...a hole in my baseball cap. Fortunately I was not wearing it at the time! The cap was under my seat at the Panathanaikos game and at half time the woman behind me said she could smell burning. I looked under my seat and in the dark saw what looked like the end of a glowing cigar.In fact it was my hat! So I stamped it out, wondering who had done it. They should put new warnings on cigarette packets..'Can seriously damage your hat!' Weblog Saturday September 27th 2003

Nicky Butt Joke?

From the webmaster, trying to be a comedian.

Veron off? Beckham joke Audio Weblog Thursday July 31st 2003

I didn't know United had built a wild-life breeding park opposite the East Stand. Shouldn't there be a picture of two zebras having it off? Perhaps a more accurate title would be an anagram of 'Humped Zebra' which is 'A Red Haze Bump' Crossing. (Photo taken by webmaster).

New Goalkeeper Tim Howard Swears By Jesus - Is He Irish? Apparently Tim Howard is a devout Christian (it's one way of wasting time) and suffers from Tourettes Syndrome. Some sufferers are heard to swear involuntarily. Maybe he hasn't got this affliction, perhaps its because he keeps saying Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ. Just a thought. Weblog Saturday July 19th

"Quierio, Quierio, Quierio-o" to Quieroz? Its warming up again! Will Carlos (where's my notepad) Quieroz go to Real Madrid. Maybe he should go as Carlos the Whisperer has influenced Ferguson so much with tactics and positional changes that maybe we should rename the team Manchesster United. After all, we already have one player on the chessboard who can start wide left but cannot go directly forward and must move diagonally across the board into...trouble. His name is an anagram of 'Saggy Ring'. Weblog Wednesday June 25th 2003

This must be the largest image I've seen on a sign for the ladies' bog. Its at Old Trafford. Must have been designed by someone with a poor image of themselves. It's not easy stood outside womens' toilets taking photographs of a sign. Who would believe me! (Photo taken by webmaster).

Lets Have The Truth! Enough is enough. I've had nothing to say this last week as every barmy option about Beckham's future has been covered in the press. Now Becks is back home lets have the truth; From Becks (though I reckon we've had that already) From Becks' management company (does Becks' know) From MU PLC (Must Undermine Player's Loyal Career) and last but not least From the Ayatollah, Mr Ferguson (who I am sure is totally innocent...as much as OJ Simpson was!) The bottom line: whatever we learn from now, it should have been handled a lot, lot better.....or maybe it was never meant to be? Weblog Monday June 16th 2003

He's behind you! According to the Manchester Evening News, Ronaldinho's position is "in hole behind front man" ...painful! Weblog Friday May 30th 2003

Don't mention the war..or art Not far from Old Trafford and located on opposite sides of the Manchester Ship canal are the Lowry Centre and Imperial War museum. I visited them both yesterday and learnt two things. 1)I'm not the only mad bastard around judging by the 'art' on display at the Lowry Centre 2)If you want to get depressed visit the Imperial War museum. Thought you'd like to know. WeblogMonday May 19th

Knee up Wesley Brown He's done it again! Ruptured the anterior cruciate ligament in his left knee. Missed the 1999-2000 season through a similar injury. We'll have to rename him 'Lucky'. This could be a case of the 'body snatchers' at it again. They can't get used to the human form-just like the Emil Heskey case. Weblog Tuesday May 13th 2003

Send Us Your Jokes

Send in your jokes and articles for inclusion on the website. Use our Contact Us page to send them to us.

Our other football jokes pages cover the following;

Manchester City Football Jokes
Always good for a laugh and a joke. They never let us down.

David Beckham Football Jokes
Always plenty of folk wanting to poke fun at Posh and Becks

Other teams & subjects
Other Premier League teams, referees etc etc

Manchester United spoof products
Items to stop the yobs and wake up the 'dead'

David Beckham Joke Photos
Collection of Beckham joke photos and captions