Spoof Manchester United Products For Fans To Use

Have a laugh, its good for you

SPEC-COLLAR (MU-400A) (Price: 2,000 Manus)

Benefit: Improves the atmosphere

This Manuniverse Spec-Collar will get people off their backsides.

The MU-400A includes a button operated remote controller transmitter that is rechargeable and waterproof. Options for instantaneous or continuous stimulation.

Features:

Low-medium-high levels
Waterproof 4 button transmitter
Range: up to 1/2 a mile
Adjustable neck size
Intrinsic receiver antenna
NiCad rechargeable battery
Low battery indicator light
Includes carrying case

Recommended usage levels:

Not used

Away supporters
Liverpool, Leeds, Arsenal, City at home
All away games
FA Cup

Low

Later stages of Champions League

Medium

Premier League (except Liverpool, Leeds, Arsenal, City)

High

Corporate sections, all games
South stand, all games
The only one League Cup game
Early stages of Champions league

High (2 collars)

Testimonials

Advice:

For resistant subjects the collar can be adjusted to fit around the forehead!

(Warning: Continuous stimulation is not recommended for this strategy as instances of brain damage have been noted. There have been cases where chants of "Come on you blues" have been heard and in extreme instances "Blue Moon" is sung!)

Charge up overnight before the game and you're ready to buzz away
Why not purchase our mains charger accessory? (Price: 1000 Manus)
Why not get the collar personalised? - (Price: only 10 Manus per letter)

BREATH/NOISE METER (MU500-B) (Price: 1,350 Manus)

Benefit: Takes care of your fellow supporters

This beautifully designed compact unit is electronically at the forefront of gadgetry and proves that Manuniverse do consider their supporters health is a top priority.

Features:

Respirometer
Noise detector
Intrinsic radio transmitter
Detection accuracy to within 5%
Clear digital read out
2 AA batteries supplied
Leather case included

Instructions

(1) Identify the person you suspect is undergoing difficulties and place the device approx.10cms in front of the mouth. (2) If no breath is detected;

A red light comes on and an automatic message is relayed to the first-aid room at Old Trafford
A digital photograph is taken and transmitted to all Corporate Hospitality Suites in case one of their guests is missing

(3) If breath is detected but no noise;

A green light comes on, a microspeaker is initiated and a 90 decibel message emitted…"Wake up you quiet b*****d and support the reds"

(NB: This is the default message. You can customise your own but it is limited to one swear word from the Official Manuniverse book of abuse) * For a more subtle device to counteract the no noise syndrome why not purchase our MU-400A SPEC COLLAR (see above).

ANTI-YOB INHIBITOR (MU600-B ) (Price: 1,500 Manus)

Benefit: Keeps up the standards in our ground

Attaching this anti-yob collar ensures that the enjoyment of the majority is not spoilt by a persistent minority of pea-brained red-eyed morons. How it works

When the yob starts to bellow obscenities the collar detects vibration of the vocal cords and emits a short electric shock lasting 0.5 seconds
Further blasphemies shouted for 3 seconds result in an additional shock
Continued profanities bring on repeated shocks until the shouting ceases

Features:

Fully automatic. Requires no monitoring
Smallest anti-yob device around (note paper clip in picture)
Lightweight 33 gram unit
Adjustable collar
1 season warranty
Fully rechargeable NiCad battery
Not activated by loud noises nearby or normal fans shouting

Recommended use:

For IQ levels of 5-10
All people from Bolton

NB: At the end of the shock sequence the yob may be unconscious. But it should be born in mind that the vegetative state that yobs are prone to lapse into could be mistaken for unconsciousness.

To check if the yob is in need of attention why not use our BREATH/NOISE METER (MU500-B) to alert First-Aiders (see above).

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Manchester City Football Jokes
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David Beckham Football Jokes
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David Beckham Joke Photos
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